Happy St. Patty's Day!

No green beer for me today, obviously!  And I'm 100% ok with that!  I will spend my afternoon/evening in class today, doing finals and enjoying the fact that I won't have to be back in classes for 2+ weeks!  

So last night as I was laying in bed nibbling on some crackers, sipping my water, & watching episodes of Desperate Housewives on Netflix Instant Queue, I was feeling some odd sensations in my uterus.  Little twinges.  Not cramps, really.  They started up again this morning and from what I have read it is completely normal and possibly the uterus adjusting for baby?  It's hard to not let every little thing send a Red Alert to my brain because we lost our baby-to-be last time at 5 weeks.  Buuuuut.....I'm trying to stay positive and just enjoy every little moment!

So.  Yes, back to Desperate Housewives.  Will fell asleep around midnight and I wasn't ready for bed yet.  I was tired, but knew I wouldn't be able to sleep.  So I started watch TV and ended up watching 5 episodes before I felt even remotely ready for bed.  And even then it took me quite a while to actually fall asleep.  And when I did?  I woke up about 2 hours later and ended up out on the couch again.  Slept a little more after Will went to work this morning, but I'm feeling so run down!

Need to find something to eat before I have to leave for class.  Also need to shower.  Was up talking with Will as he got ready for work this morning and pizza sounded SO good at that point (9am!?) so he's bringing home pizza tonight, lol.  

So far, so good.

5 weeks, 2 days today.  Still too early for me to be comfortable, but I've made it further than I did last time we got pregnant.  So I'm hoping for the best.  It helps that I'm constantly reminded by my symptoms that I actually feel pregnant.

• Food doesn't sound good at all throughout the day.  I have to force myself to eat a yogurt in the morning, and yesterday it took me an hour and a half to eat the entire thing.  As the day goes on, food sounds more appetizing and I'm able to eat dinner and then usually snack on something before bed.  It's not that I have morning sickness, exactly...I'm not throwing up and I'm not all that sick to my stomach.  Just small waves of nausea, constantly reminding me of the changes taking place within me!  Thankful for that, actually.
• So.  Thirsty.  Been drinking a lot of juice and water.  And peeing about 100 times a day.
• Tender boobies....ow.  
• Cannot sleep!  I'm thoroughly exhausted but I cannot sleep!  I usually fall asleep for about 1-3 hours in the bedroom then wake up completely restless and unable to get comfortable.  So then I move out to the couch and toss & turn there until it's time to start my day.  Thank goodness I have time for naps if I need/want them otherwise I'd be a walking zombie. 

Other than that, I feel pretty good.  I actually had some energy yesterday and accomplished laundry, homework, grocery shopping and made dinner.  Which obviously means I will be sitting on the couch for the next 2 days because, I mean...really?  I'm exhausted, lol.

 

I'm just ready for finals to be over with tomorrow and to have 2 weeks off for Spring Break.  Then we'll be in Nashville for a few days.  Next semester is my last semester before I graduate, and all I have is one class and my final internship (working with teen moms & pregnant teens, actually).  I'm ready to be done, that's for sure.  Bring on summer (even if I will be miserably hot).

Stick, baby, stick!

After months and months of trying, months and months of praying and hoping and crossing our fingers, yesterday I got this lovely sight:

And then today, JUST to make sure:

So far, we are keeping it pretty quiet.  Basically nobody really knows or remembers this blog (that I started last August when we found out we were pregnant, only to miscarry a week later).  So I feel safe about writing in here for now until we make it public.

I am literally just in the 4th week (meaning my period wasn't even late when I took the tests).  I didn't really have any symptoms...not like last time.  Breasts were a little tender, but nothing more than the typical PMS-esque tenderness.  I think the thing that really got me was that I was all of a sudden majorly restless at night and couldn't sleep.  That happened last time, too.

So while Will was at work, I went and bought a 2-pack of tests because I was just sure that I was not pregnant.  I wanted proof so that I could set my mind at ease and impatiently wait for my period to start so we could move forward and try again next month.  It was raining out and I almost decided against it, but I drove the mile up to Rite-Aid and bought the tests and came home.  When I took the test and the 2 pink links immediately showed up (although the test line was faint, I could clearly see it immediately), I about started bawling like a baby.

Since Will was working, I decided I had to go up there and show him in person before anything else.  I put the test in my pocket and drove the 2 miles to his work and was on the verge of tears the whole time.  I had one of his co-workers get him for me and I was acting like I was there to grocery shop (lol).  I then pulled the test out and put it in front of him.  His response was, "You're pregnant?!"  Um.  Yes.  It appears that way.  I wasn't sure if he was petrified or surprised.  He said he was "fine" lol.  My husband, the man of little words.   

So here I am.  Trying not to be completely scared out of my mind because of what we went through before.  I pray to God that this baby is healthy and "sticks"!  Doctor appointment on Monday.

Stick, baby, stick!

happy birthday, beautiful

My baby sisters turn 22 today, which brings about a lot of emotions from the depths of my heart.  If any of you were ever around when I used to blog regularly (I miss you, beautiful-addiction.org....), you know how things get all up in here when I talk about my sisters.  I don't even know where to begin...

My sisters are a huge part of my life, of my world, even though I don't see them regularly.  I've always felt a close kinship with both of them, this need to watch over them and protect them that started from day 1.  I was the happiest and most proud 4-year-old "big sister" the day our momma brought them home from the hospital.

Me & the twins soon after they were brought home, Dec 1988

Growing up, I felt very much like a mother hen to both of them.  I don't recall ever being jealous or angry to have them arrive in my life.  I've been told I was a rather quiet, peaceful only child who loved to occupy herself outside making mud pies and climbing trees (don't tell my husband, he's convinced I'm a Tomboy at heart and I swear I'm girly!).  When my sisters came into my life, it was like everything was complete.  All I wanted was to make sure they were happy and learned all the ways of the world, according to a 4-year-old.

A lot of my memories of our younger years revolve around playing at grandpa & grandma's house, running around on the expanse of land we called a back yard, playing on the swingset and digging in the sandbox.  In 1992, the world was disrupted when our house and everything we knew went up in flames (literally).  I was at school when my mom & aunt arrived to pick me up to tell me the house was burning down.  Luckily nobody was hurt, and the babies had been out playing in the sandbox.  I remember they had put their little shoes on the wrong feet and one of them didn't even have shoes on that matched.  But they were ok.

Loved playing together!

Move forward a bit to when I assume I became their role model of sorts.  And I only say this because they would not quit following me, mocking me, doing everything I did.  This lasted for many years.  Some of you may have had a younger sibling who did this to you as well...times that by 2 with no age gap between the younger and you'll see what it's like to have twins nipping at your heels.  I remember getting annoyed and angry that they just wouldn't leave me alone, but oddly enough...our laughter and good times shine through even those moments.

Ask any of my friends from back then, and they will tell you just how much fun it was to play "school" with my sisters.  We would literally set up a classroom and give them homework assignments (math, spelling, etc) and they LOVED it, I swear.  They would beg us to play school with them.  (I was such a dork...see where I get it from?  It's ingrained from a young age!)

I only recall a few fights between us, nothing serious. Maybe I'm clouding my own memories, I don't know.  All I know is that I have always felt that my sisters and I had a special sisterly bond.  I don't know if it's because of everything we went through growing up; or because I helped to raise them since our mom was a working single mother?  I'll never know exactly, but I am thankful for whatever it is because I couldn't imagine us being any closer than we are, even with the distance in miles between us.

As they got older and I moved on with my life, we never lost that bond.  They helped me move into my first apartment, were there to see my marry my high school sweetheart, and loved me even when I decided that was not the marriage or life for me.  Every time I went home for a holiday or visit, we would cuddle on the couch watching TV and movies and eating junk food. 

Brittanie (left), Brandi.  Beautiful <3

And I feel this immense sense of protection over them.  I know that they are the twins...but I swear when something is wrong with them, I feel it, too.  When they cry, I cry.  When they hurt, I hurt.  They are an extension of who I am and that will never change.

Brittanie Rae.  Ninny.  The true baby.  My baby girl (as I have always called her, even to this day).  Oh, the struggles and challenges she has faced in her short life.  The phone calls I've received in the middle of the night that have made my heart stop and all life drain from my body.  She is stronger than she knows, I just pray that she realizes it.  I will always be her cheerleader, the one who never loses faith.  Oh, how my heart has broken for her, time and time again.  I can't imagine the pain and struggle she's faced, but I do know that she's stronger and more stubborn because of it.  She is funny.  She is moody.  She is sweet and beautiful and vulgar, all in one.  And she's on a rocky road, but I know someday she will find herself and open her wings and soar above all the pain and struggle.  I love you, baby girl.

Brittanie Rae

Brandi Lynn.  Branny.  The older of the two, just by minutes (but she'll never let you forget it!).  Even as a twin, she has had quite a different path, not with out it's own set of struggles.  Helping her first love through the passing of his mother, and then having to let him go his own path later.  Moving away from home, going to college, holding down two jobs.  Everyday struggles, but struggles nonetheless.  And now.... now she is going to be a mommy!  Come June she will have a little one of her own and I will have another niece/nephew to love to pieces.  She's always held her head high, shown strength and poise in the most difficult of lifes challenges.  Even when things aren't perfect, which they rarely are, she's tough and stubborn and goes in fighting.  She's smart.  She's quirky.  She's beautiful and funny and dorky (like me!).  And she's got a bright future ahead of her, whether she knows it or not.  I love you, Branny Lynn.

Brandi Lynn

Happy birthday to the best sisters anyone could ask for.  I love you both, more than you will probably ever know.

purpose

After I quit my day job not too long ago, I was so excited to start really living life, you know?  Not having to go to bed early, get up at the crack of dawn, work all day for not much more than minimum wage & come home so tired I didn't want to do anything but sit.

The first morning of freedom consisted of me getting up with my husband, making his lunch, making coffee for myself, and dedicating the full day to my business.  It felt nothing short of amazing.  I just knew that every day was going to be like this.  Right?.... Wrong.

More often than not, I find myself oversleeping.  No early morning coffee or dedication.  Most days I put off my to-do list until "tomorrow", only to find that "tomorrow" doesn't come until a week later.  Seriously, what is happening to me?  I realize it's only been a month, but I feel as though I am sinking here.

Don't get me wrong, I do not want to go back to work.  My business is thriving and I'm making more than enough to compensate for my not working a real job.  I just feel as though I have nothing to push me forward; no purpose.  And to be honest, no energy.  (I blame part of that on my autoimmune disorder, but I have to take partial credit because naps just feel so good.)

And when I start dwelling on how unproductive I've been, I get really blah and down on myself and that makes me want to do even less.  The weather doesn't help (trek outside in that? No, thank you).  But how many excuses can I make before it just sounds redundant?  

How do I find my purpose?  How do I fill my days with meaning and productivity?  Where do I find the energy to start anew?  I love the days when Will is at home with me because we get to spend time together and I'm not left trying to fill the void for the 8+ hours he's at work (not to mention the three nights a week he's in class until 10:30p).  

How do you find balance in your life and feel accomplished when you lay down your head each night?

all the crazy

I go through stints where I want to write; where I feel as though I need to write.  And then the thought of actually doing so kind of makes me tired and so I don't follow through.  

At first I started this blog as a way to chronicle my pregnancy, which some of you know ended in a miscarriage way early on.  I had a few entries here, and then one day I just came through and wiped them all away with a precise click of the "delete" key and I had a fresh start once again...

As much emotion went into those first few blog entries, I couldn't bear to keep them.  They were filled with excitement and awe which quickly led to concern and worry and then heartbreak over the loss of what would have been our first child.  One day I may regret not keeping those words around to look back upon, but at the time, I didn't want anything to remind me of how much emotion can be felt and absorbed in just one short week.  So the "delete" key came in rather handy.

I struggle with wanting to keep this a journal of our attempts (and hopeful success) of trying to conceive a baby in the near future.  Part of me thinks it would be nice to have something to look back upon, and another part of me thinks of how pathetic this could become if we end up with negative tests month after month.  I mean, how much can I possibly write until it becomes the same old thing over and over?

I was at the salon getting my hair done today and the girl doing my lowlights was pregnant and due in March.  We got to talking about how crazy life can become when you're so intent on trying to get pregnant.  About how you get on a schedule of having sex in tune with your ovulation cycle; how that becomes monotonous and boring and almost chore-like.  How you take to heart every little silly tip of advice and wive's tale on how to conceive: make sure he wears boxers and stays away from hot tubs for fear the warmth of his body and the water will kill any viable sperm; elevate yourself after sex so as to let gravity do the work for you; etc.  

It really is insane.

And what's worse is how people will look at you and simply say: "Quit trying, it will just happen."  How, may I ask, does one just quit trying when it's really one of the only things you can think about?  It seems like I live, eat, breathe and sleep baby.  For real.  So how do I quit thinking about it and just let nature run its course?  With my luck that would leave me having sex all around my ovulation, but not during.  That will not help matters in the least.  I like to know when I'm fertile.  I like to know when my chances of conceiving are the highest.  That way I know that I'm doing all I can to up those odds.  See?  Craziness.

I hope this one day proves to my future child(ren) just how badly I wanted them and all the crazy I was willing to endure in order to see that happen!