all the crazy

I go through stints where I want to write; where I feel as though I need to write.  And then the thought of actually doing so kind of makes me tired and so I don't follow through.  

At first I started this blog as a way to chronicle my pregnancy, which some of you know ended in a miscarriage way early on.  I had a few entries here, and then one day I just came through and wiped them all away with a precise click of the "delete" key and I had a fresh start once again...

As much emotion went into those first few blog entries, I couldn't bear to keep them.  They were filled with excitement and awe which quickly led to concern and worry and then heartbreak over the loss of what would have been our first child.  One day I may regret not keeping those words around to look back upon, but at the time, I didn't want anything to remind me of how much emotion can be felt and absorbed in just one short week.  So the "delete" key came in rather handy.

I struggle with wanting to keep this a journal of our attempts (and hopeful success) of trying to conceive a baby in the near future.  Part of me thinks it would be nice to have something to look back upon, and another part of me thinks of how pathetic this could become if we end up with negative tests month after month.  I mean, how much can I possibly write until it becomes the same old thing over and over?

I was at the salon getting my hair done today and the girl doing my lowlights was pregnant and due in March.  We got to talking about how crazy life can become when you're so intent on trying to get pregnant.  About how you get on a schedule of having sex in tune with your ovulation cycle; how that becomes monotonous and boring and almost chore-like.  How you take to heart every little silly tip of advice and wive's tale on how to conceive: make sure he wears boxers and stays away from hot tubs for fear the warmth of his body and the water will kill any viable sperm; elevate yourself after sex so as to let gravity do the work for you; etc.  

It really is insane.

And what's worse is how people will look at you and simply say: "Quit trying, it will just happen."  How, may I ask, does one just quit trying when it's really one of the only things you can think about?  It seems like I live, eat, breathe and sleep baby.  For real.  So how do I quit thinking about it and just let nature run its course?  With my luck that would leave me having sex all around my ovulation, but not during.  That will not help matters in the least.  I like to know when I'm fertile.  I like to know when my chances of conceiving are the highest.  That way I know that I'm doing all I can to up those odds.  See?  Craziness.

I hope this one day proves to my future child(ren) just how badly I wanted them and all the crazy I was willing to endure in order to see that happen!